Sunday 9 December 2012


I look at the world
and I laugh at you
I look at your face
and I spite you
I look at your crest
and I spit on your face
I may be younger than you
I may be weaker than you
You may push me out of your way
You may trample me to make your day
But one day you will be old
and that will be the day
I will crush you with my toe

Tuesday 31 July 2012

The State of Doing Nothing

Doing nothing is a fine state to be in. It is a state of the mind and the body. It is still a state of well being, frowned upon by some and a cause of envy amongst plenty.
Who would not love to do nothing? In reality a lot may get done in such a state. While I leave it entirely to the eyes of the beholder to decide such a state, it leaves one quite happy. Doing nothing is also a presumptuous state. A whole lot of persons who seemingly look like doing nothing are doing something while another lot with a look of sincerity in their eyes and actions are attempting nothing. The latter forms a larger population than the former.
Doing nothing causes a lot of stress to near ones. A spouse doing nothing, a grown child doing nothing, a parent doing nothing, a partner doing nothing soon get termed into “good for nothing” or even free loaders. But given the economics of society, if all those mentioned above (maybe just one person in different capacities) were doing something, it would lead to somebody else doing nothing.
And once in a while all the Good for Nothing will get the opportunity to redeem themselves and rise above all so high that the past will be forgiven like dust swept under a carpet. People only look at rising stars and not fallen ones or falling ones.
So once in a while sit in the balcony with your favourite beverage and look at the world go by. For most you will be doing nothing, but you will know the most of the world that has gone by you.
And this post was about nothing............or maybe something.

Tuesday 24 April 2012

The Stare

This morning as I turned my car into my office lane, I was almost hit by an oncoming car whose driver chose not to slow down at the intersection. I halted in my tracks forcing the other car to go around me. As the cars passed each other, I and the other driver looked in to each other's eyes and certainly not in any loving manner. It was the icy cold look that said "whaddya think of yourself?" It was the "STARE" that auto drivers give each other when each one thinks he is right and the other one has wronged.

The Stare comes in variations and accompaniments as well. You can squint a little bit or widen your eyes depending on what you want to convey. The squinty stare may mean "You dirty scoundrel born in a cess pool". The wide eyed stare may convey "People like you who break laws with impunity ought to be publicly flogged". Sometimes there is a showing of a certain finger or even the whole fist. Words usually spring out after the cars have passed and mostly to the displeasure of the co-passengers.

Trouble begins when one driver does not know how to stare back. That's when words take centre stage and a passing issue deteriorates into fist fights and even road rage.

No one would be perfectly able to ascertain when the Stare evolved. It probably did when two horse riders almost hit each other head on. But then horses can detect oncoming horses or other animals so it could probably have been when two horse drawn carriages collided or blocked each other's path. Usually such incidents happen only when each rider or driver is claiming his right of way.

Be that as it may. If you follow the rules, you will always be in the right and with a greater right for a rightful Stare. Happy driving folks.

Saturday 25 February 2012

Oh Booger, where art thou!

Ah, the usual evening rush hour leaving you immobilized in your car waiting for your lane to pick up speed. Lost in your thoughts about work, about home, about the football game and maybe the hot new intern in your office. The sudden sense of relief in your nose.........umm what was that and why are you staring at a little piece of something on your pinky?
In what may be an evolutionary phase, where living beings had to endure foreign objects getting sucked into their breathing system, came the sticky discharge at the point of entry capturing all floating things in the air and sticking them up on the wall of what is commonly called the nose. The English language came to call this discharge "snot", a fifth grader learns to call it "Booger".
Strangely, the stuff in your ear is honourably termed "wax" but you can't make a candle of it. It essentially has the same ingredients as in your nose but surprisingly not found to be as disgusting as "picking your nose". In fact you have ear buds and others, maybe harmful, to rid your ear of this waxy substance which interestingly is in a blind spot, but I am left with no answers for tools to loosen those internal nose hangings for disposal and have to rely on one's good ol fingers.
So what makes us "pick" our noses when we are least aware of such doing? You deliberately clean your ears. You get up in meetings and excuse yourself to visit the facilities. Ever heard of someone say "Excuse me, but I need to pick my nose".
This probably unique action dates back to the time when man was an ape and the ape was, well, just an ape. Though the ape ultimately evolved into man, the man continued with little changes in this department of behavior. Call it primal, or call it disgusting but all humans and some simians indulge in it almost on a daily basis. I call it an involuntary act, something like twitching of a nerve, born out of necessity and that nagging tickling feeling where whole fingers get devoured inside cavernous openings of your nose.
You will indulge in it mostly at a time you are sitting idle like waiting for the light to change or in park or a library with carefree abandon. It's a pretty simple procedure. A push of the finger into the nose, a little turn, maybe a little digging, finger pulled out, and the discovery examined minutely. Once satisfied, roll the booger in to a tiny ball and flick it into outer space with your thumb and index finger. In all likely hood, it will fall within a radius of 3 feet from you. Ranging from the hint of green to the black, all these nuggets will surround you, clog your keyboard and lie sprinkled on the floor.
Now having broached the topic, it is essential at this stage to know your subject. My research pulls out (pun unintended) the following common types.
The Elastic - This is a relatively fresh one like chewing gum. Does not release itself easily and has a propensity to cling to the nostril. Will stretch reasonably well and break off in the middle if stretched too far. Extremely malleable but difficult to let go. This will also cling to your finger and needs to be wiped off for effective disposal, therefore the streaks on the surrounding surfaces.
The Curler - This is a very dry one plastered along the wall of your nostril.  Will drop off easily once scrapping begins.  It is mostly curved inwards in a semi circle. Easy to remove and easy to dispose.
The Deep Rooted - This one is a toughie. It clings to back of your nostril and it takes a pinkie with a really long nail to pull it out. Being at its position, it’s mostly a fresher with characteristics of the Elastic. This may also occur in largish blobs and will spread across your fingers if not handled with care. Try as you might it refuses to let go leaving you with the only option of wiping it off on the closest available surface.
The Antennae Bud - This one hangs to a hair in your nostril mostly sticking out of the nose. More than the owner, it irritates the person the owner is talking to in a face to face conversation. Needs two fingers to be pulled out.
The Matted - This is a combination of booger and nose hair. It spreads itself over a wide area and clings to hair in a web like manner. This one needs to be pulled with a thumb and index finger in a pinch. May be combined with the Antennae Bud and can cause pain and loss of some hair.
The Pearl - This is a tricky one. Dry on the outside but still wet and sticky on the inside. The moment you pull it out, it sticks to your finger. Disposal should be similar to the Deep Rooted. 
Interestingly my observation also shows that your fingers will never be too big to not enter your nose for this little operation, which brings me to an interesting question "Why does a Gorilla have a big nose? Because he has fat fingers". Funny but true!

Saturday 21 January 2012

Letter to my Banker

Dear Bank Manager,
Greetings of the Season!
I hope this letter finds you in the pink of health and your bank in the black on the charts. Though I write to you in a very busy festival season; it is imperative for me to do so.  I have received my account statement and I find that you have designed several charges for routine banking activities that would normally constitute duties you owe your customer. It quite surprises me if not shocking that you were charging me nothing for the same functions in the age of paper ledgers and passbooks but now prefer to extract fees for the same in electronic form. Is there an application of a new thesis where your charges are directly proportional to the digitisation of your services?
Furthermore I find in the last several months I have to answer calls from your staffer who claims to be my relationship manager. I do not understand his purpose and as a lay person I would assume that he would be managing my social calendar which in turn would help me in my relationship with my spouse and my gaming partners. But alas, that is not the case. There is only a pure and unadulterated love for my money.  I seem to find him salivating every time he mentions my balance and how I am preferred for special treatment over other regular customers, which is particularly scary.
Over a period of time there has been considerable increase in the interaction between you and me through various media. To make our interaction efficient, productive and hassle free, I have to inform you of the formulation of new charges which as my banker you shall appreciate and bear. You may note that these charges are with immediate effect:


Answering Calls from your Relationship Manager
Rs. 500 per minute

Answering telephonic sales calls
Rs. 250 per minute

Receiving recorded deliveries of statements and other sales material
Rs. 100 per instance

Dealing with electronic sales communication
Rs. 50 per instance

Answering service feedback calls
Rs. 100 per minute

Waiting in line for cash deposit or withdrawal  beyond 1 minute
Rs. 100 per minute. First minute free.

Not being assigned to a tele-banking executive within 10 seconds of making a call
Rs. 100 per additional second

Tele-banking executive taking more than 30 seconds to comply with service request due to slow systems
Rs. 100 per additional second

ATM out of cash necessitating withdrawal from another ATM
Rs. 500 per instance

ATM out of service necessitating use of another ATM
Rs. 500 per instance

Use of Debit Card
1 % of spends

Affixing more than one signature on any application form
Rs. 100 per additional signature

Communicating issues related to bad or poor service
Rs. 100 by phone (subject to other charges mentioned above)
Rs. 250 by email
Rs. 1000 for personal visit to branch
(all per instance)

Non-communication of any documentation requirement at time of application for any banking facility
Rs. 1000 per instance

Any other of your pro active communication that breaches my privacy and/or subjects me to interaction with your bank at any level
Rs. 2500 per instance

 Government taxes and duties extra as applicable from time to time; Charges are subject to charge without prior notice.
The above charges are fair, reasonable and justified. I hope you will co-operate with me. I look forward to a long and committed relationship with your bank. Should you need any clarification feel free to call me. Usual charges apply.
Your friendly customer