Saturday, 21 January 2012

Letter to my Banker

Dear Bank Manager,
Greetings of the Season!
I hope this letter finds you in the pink of health and your bank in the black on the charts. Though I write to you in a very busy festival season; it is imperative for me to do so.  I have received my account statement and I find that you have designed several charges for routine banking activities that would normally constitute duties you owe your customer. It quite surprises me if not shocking that you were charging me nothing for the same functions in the age of paper ledgers and passbooks but now prefer to extract fees for the same in electronic form. Is there an application of a new thesis where your charges are directly proportional to the digitisation of your services?
Furthermore I find in the last several months I have to answer calls from your staffer who claims to be my relationship manager. I do not understand his purpose and as a lay person I would assume that he would be managing my social calendar which in turn would help me in my relationship with my spouse and my gaming partners. But alas, that is not the case. There is only a pure and unadulterated love for my money.  I seem to find him salivating every time he mentions my balance and how I am preferred for special treatment over other regular customers, which is particularly scary.
Over a period of time there has been considerable increase in the interaction between you and me through various media. To make our interaction efficient, productive and hassle free, I have to inform you of the formulation of new charges which as my banker you shall appreciate and bear. You may note that these charges are with immediate effect:


Answering Calls from your Relationship Manager
Rs. 500 per minute

Answering telephonic sales calls
Rs. 250 per minute

Receiving recorded deliveries of statements and other sales material
Rs. 100 per instance

Dealing with electronic sales communication
Rs. 50 per instance

Answering service feedback calls
Rs. 100 per minute

Waiting in line for cash deposit or withdrawal  beyond 1 minute
Rs. 100 per minute. First minute free.

Not being assigned to a tele-banking executive within 10 seconds of making a call
Rs. 100 per additional second

Tele-banking executive taking more than 30 seconds to comply with service request due to slow systems
Rs. 100 per additional second

ATM out of cash necessitating withdrawal from another ATM
Rs. 500 per instance

ATM out of service necessitating use of another ATM
Rs. 500 per instance

Use of Debit Card
1 % of spends

Affixing more than one signature on any application form
Rs. 100 per additional signature

Communicating issues related to bad or poor service
Rs. 100 by phone (subject to other charges mentioned above)
Rs. 250 by email
Rs. 1000 for personal visit to branch
(all per instance)

Non-communication of any documentation requirement at time of application for any banking facility
Rs. 1000 per instance

Any other of your pro active communication that breaches my privacy and/or subjects me to interaction with your bank at any level
Rs. 2500 per instance

 Government taxes and duties extra as applicable from time to time; Charges are subject to charge without prior notice.
The above charges are fair, reasonable and justified. I hope you will co-operate with me. I look forward to a long and committed relationship with your bank. Should you need any clarification feel free to call me. Usual charges apply.
Your friendly customer